yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
