3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize