I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Randomize
