Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
