Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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