1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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