dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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