Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
