Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
