my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
