WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize