apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
