I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
