I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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