All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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