i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Randomize
