This beer is not sobering me up at all
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
not ubering you a puppy
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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