my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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