so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
