I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
