Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
