what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Someone came in the potted fern
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize