Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
