Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
