Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
