dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
