my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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