just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
