if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
