Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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