When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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