I can text with my tongue
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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