chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
