if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
