we have pet lesbian snakes
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
