She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
