This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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