I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
accomplished twins. life is a go
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
