i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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