Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
