I'd wear matching sweaters with you
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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