I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
