I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize