It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
