OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
