Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
