What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
