another moral hangover. fuck.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
