Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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