well most of my day revolves around power hour
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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