ya dads aren't the best wingmen
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
