i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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