I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
