bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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