Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
