Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
My life is pants optional.
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