Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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