I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
