If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
