I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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