it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
