Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
