You're a womanizer and a bitch.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
