I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
