what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
