HIV tests are more positive than that guy
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
