Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
