I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Randomize
