is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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