i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
