I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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