Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
