Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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