I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
